Still Standing
Year in Review 2021
In a game of chess, the king is usually the last piece standing. It is there through the capturing of pawns and the breaking down of the wall of defense the royal pieces have built around it. It is the opponent’s prize and until it is boxed into a corner with no way out (checkmate), the game does not end. This piece is not about chess so I’ll get right to it, lest I digress. Here I am at the end of 2021, like the king, still standing inspite of everything. I will try to make this piece as light-hearted as possible. *fingers crossed*
2021. What a year!
For many people, the year started on a note of recovery and gradual return to normalcy but that did not prevent it from bringing its own share of tussles but we can come to that later. The highlight of this year for me was truly learning what it means to take life one day at a time. One would think I would have learnt that last year, but coconut head.
Following my review of last year, I challenged myself to write and publish an article on my Medium page every month. I did and I count it as one of my major wins this year. It is the consistency for me. I even published other articles, making this my 20th piece (way to go, girl!). There has been so much growth since that first piece and I like that when I read any of the pieces, I remember how I felt writing them. I was so unsure of publishing some of them, and to think that I have an audience and even subscribers now, my heart is so full.
This year, I also learnt how important it is to put myself out there. Nobody was going to see any of the work I was doing if I did not talk about it one way or another. It was arduous at first but it got easier with time. I am still learning the ropes but I no longer die inside at the thought of introducing myself or talking about what I do. Thanks to this bit of self improvement, I got a position as a columnist with a digital publication.
2021 was a year of exploring different interests. I devoted most of my time and chaneled all my energy into figuring out what it was I really wanted to do, seeing that accounting was no longer fulfilling for me. I started with taking a training course in interior design and while I enjoyed it and learnt a lot, I was not fully sold on it. I also realised that it would be onerous to pursue, given the peculiarities and my maladroit social skills. So, I shelved it to be revisited at a later date and continued on my quest.
Next up was photography. I like this part a lot and it is going pretty well. There is so much to learn and I am excited to figure it out as I go along. Initially, I was rather skeptical about posting some of my pictures but I soon realised that an essential part of growth and getting better at something is feedback so I got to posting from time to time. These days, I am more open-minded and look forward to comments, especially from people outside my circle because my people always say nice things about everything I publish.
In a letter I wrote to myself for my birthday in March, I expressed some hope about remembering to not take on so much and let people help me. This year, I largely overcame the fear of asking for things and stopped feeling guilty about needing help. This provided a safety net in the months that followed. It is a tremendous blessing to have people in your corner and not carry your burdens all by yourself. After all, there is no best in doing things alone medal.
Sometime in April, I had a run-in with depression. It is hard to say when exactly it started but it was at it’s peak around the middle of April. I remember breaking down during a class and everyone had to pray for me because I could not say what was wrong. It was the lowest I have ever felt. I was ashamed too. There were so many random tears, for so many unrelated reasons and I was always tired. It is difficult to understand depression. I felt broken and just wanted to hide. It felt like being okay one moment and then, like the snap of a twig, you are not. You are sad about everything, seemingly helpless and then overwhelmed by it all. My motivation was the first thing to suffer, followed by willpower and of course, my health. There I was trying to pursue my interests with zero morale or energy. Smh. The darkness of depression is one in which things die a slow death, leaving a feeling of emptiness in its wake.
Tired of feeling sorry for myself and in an attempt to improve my situation, I started therapy, with the help of my best guy — the man of my dreams, my sisters and friends (God bless you, my dear girls. My heart-felt prayer for you all is that ko ni ku eyin nikan). Part of the key things I learnt in the process was how what you say to and about yourself go a long way in influencing your outlook and overall experience. It was such a pivotal point in my healing process. By the time I published my July piece, I was well on my way to recovery. I bet at this point, it goes without saying that I was Iganya and she was me.
They say as humans, we are a sum of all our experiences. I was committed to doing everything it took to get better but I was not the least bit prepared for all the digging and thinking I had to do while at it. It’s crazy how the issues we leave unresolved can come back to haunt us later in life. While I no longer felt the anger caused by certain events in the past, I still needed to confront the resultant effects one after another. I was fully aware but I had been running from that for reasons best known to no one. Well, my time of running was up and here I was, in the trenches, trying to climb out. I know better now.
Life can be brutal and it is quite easy to get overwhelmed and become bitter but you see gratitude? It gives you a whole new perspective of things. There is something to be said for how being mindful of little blessings and celebrating little wins improves your psyche and gives you the much-needed strength to carry on. Someone gave me a gratitude journal earlier in the year and I think it is the best gift I got this year. Reading through it as I put finishing touches to this piece really got me in my feelings. The Yoruba saying, aye ope yo (translation: there is always room for gratitude in every situation) is something I now hold close to my heart and remind myself every chance I get.
In August, I went home from work around midday one day and never went back. I had identified the job and all that came with it as a major source of stress months prior but I did not think I could leave it just yet. I had no idea what I was going to do next as the other things I was working on had not quite panned out yet. That morning, I went to work as I would have on a regular day despite a storm that had started brewing in the early hours of the day. My phone was ringing non-stop and I was overwhelmed. I would usually call my dad, a friend or anyone but that day, I just sent my notice of resignation with immediate effect and went home to sleep. It had become necessary to protect myself at all costs. That would mark the beginning of another journey but I had no clue.
The resilience I thought I had was tested a lot this year, especially during the initial phase of my product design journey. Up until September, I had taken a few self-paced courses online and read a few books and related articles. With more time on my hands, I decided to take a more hands-on course. This was the toughest thing I attempted this year but somehow, I kept at it. I constantly asked myself if I was barking up the wrong tree and seriously considered taking a powder more than once but earlier this month, after about a thousand second guesses, I published my first case study — with shaky fingers and patting myself on the back for staying the course.
With all the rigmarole, the year was tough on my relationship, as expected. In my article about the complexities of relationships, I talked about how when we choose someone, we get a full package, not getting to choose what parts we want and the ones we do not. To have someone stick it out with you through thick and thin is a blessing that makes things so much easier. There was a lot of unraveling but we somehow kept the magic, protecting what we have and taking care of each other. It is the most beautiful thing to choose someone and be chosen by the person.
I read a total of 36 randomly selected books this year. I hope to be more structured in my reading next year and I have been putting together a list.
Sitting alone with my thoughts one quiet morning earlier this month, I realised that most of my struggles this year were actually growing pains, akin to a phase of taking roots. They may not be pleasant but they are necessary…and…wait for it…temporary. Yes, the season of planting, no matter how long does not last forever; soon, the fruits start to show. Getting started with anything may be hard but staying at it is definitely tougher. This is not to say we have to suffer for something for it to be worthwhile. Some things come easy while others must be painstakingly built from the ground up.
I am quite excited for the coming year, as I figure out the balance between pushing my self a little more towards my goals and taking the necessary breaks. I am also learning how to extend more grace to myself, for days that I do not check everything off my to-do list. I hope you do too. I will definitely need all the encouragement and nice words I can get, so please send some my way, if I ever cross your mind.
Alexa, play Starting Now
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