Walking In The Dark
Contemplating the Christian faith
The month of April started with a nice little vacation. I had a wonderful time enjoying the silence and my take-away was that I earnestly look forward to having the liberty to up and sail away as I please and of course, for my bank account to align with my desires.
On Easter Sunday, a popular couple shared a testimony about their journey to having a child and it got a lot of attention. The part about people asking them different questions and saying hurtful things resonated with me deeply and somehow, set the tone for this piece. God, why? Having unanswered questions can feel a lot like walking in the dark. You take careful steps, afraid of bumping into or tripping over something, your eyes are reduced to slits roaming the abyss in search of answers. You cannot see anything so you second-guess everything.
My first recollection of an unanswered question is definitely the cliché one — why do bad things happen to good people? There is a difficulty that comes with attempting to reconcile the goodness of God with terrible events or unpleasant circumstances. Growing up as a PK, I spent a lot of time in church. After most services, my parents were usually preoccupied with one meeting or a counselling session and with that came the opportunity to roam the church grounds. Crumbs of conversations here and there filled my belly as one hour bled into the next and in one or more of these stories, there seemed to be a disconnect — it was just out of place for bad things to happen to good people. Ah! Pastor X lost his job? Lol. Little did I know about the way of the world.
Moving on to the university, I realized that some things could be similar yet different and maybe more complex. I started to question some of the things I knew to be right and true as I was introduced to another ‘brand’ of the religion but still, I thrived since the core was the same. I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, trying to calm the whirlwind that is my mind so I am almost always asking questions and trying to rationalize things. The thing about being in a largely controlled environment is a plethora of manifestations of the same thing — religion, in this case and that just increased my curiousity.
I struggle a lot with understanding the evasiveness of some christians and the defiant decision to deny the existence of certain things, forgetting that acceptance is the first step towards dealing with any situation. The obsession with cloaking tragedies and magnifying successes is mind-blowing and we see it everywhere — in the whispers about unpleasant circumstances and loud announcements of what the Lord has done. I understand the importance of positive confessions and affirmation, however I do not think they can be effective without acknowledging the present state of things.
Most times, the actions of people we look up to and their reactions to certain issues or events tend to colour our views, especially at impressionable points in our lives. Very few things compare to the torment of someone insinuating (or even saying out rightly — yes, some people are that bold) that we are not praying enough or that there is something incomplete (or even wrong) about our service to God for such a thing to happen. They may mean well but it mostly rubs off the wrong way. Worse still, such ideas are even pronounced in some sermons — lines (and rhymes) that temporarily ginger the congregation rather than stir their faith. Ugh. I daresay that there is really nothing like knowing God for yourself and understanding where you are on your journey, devoid of any influence.
Asking for help and sharing our struggles can be quite difficult because apart from feeling like we have fallen off-course and failed terribly, there is the possibility of being judged, even by people in our circles and those we hold in high regard. It is also incredible to see how some people think they have a monopoly on christianity (or God, their father). When such people offer unsolicited advice, I just smile, thank them and make sure I tune off so I do not remember anything after that moment. This thing is not absolute; everyone’s journey is different.
Another thing I can barely come to terms with is the swiftness to credit unfavourable events to an enemy or a wicked person somewhere. In my opinion, there may not be anybody behind misfortunes (real or perceived) — sometimes, it is the consequences of our actions at play and other times, it is just the way of the world. Wahala be like bicycle. As we go through life, we are faced now and again with questions that have no answers, no matter how hard we look.
In 2017, I watched my aunty slowly die from a terrible illness and it made no sense whatsoever. How could someone who loved and served the Lord so much not be healed? Some time later, my closest friend lost her mum pretty much the same way. There are events in life that shake your faith to the core and these definitely made the list. The importance of a support group can never be overemphasised and I think we do not speak about it enough. A lot of people are trying to figure things out on their own; that just makes it more difficult and the usual concluding line of we know in part does not offer much comfort.
A lot of times, I feel so alone and overwhelmed; nothing seems to make any sense. On such days, I am not sure I remember how to pray (besides the routine morning, night and prayers before meals) because I cannot find the words to say or articulate my feelings; other days, I pray from the depths of my soul and other times, it’s a random song that plays in my head and spurs me in God’s direction. I also try to start my day with a playlist of gospel songs.
For the past few years, I have served in the children’s department of my local church and it is actually quite fulfilling. I have come to see it as owing it to myself to show up. Interestingly, I did not feel needed until recently, I just always went whenever it was my turn, done my bit, bought small chops at the church gate and gone home to sleep. Whenever I begin to wonder if it is due to the innate human desire to be seen, I am convinced it is bigger than me and that makes me think a lot about God calling people to a particular assignment and giving them the required capacity to do it because I know myself.
Sometime ago, my uncle said something that has stayed with me ever since: God is good and there is nothing that happens that can ever change that. I am now nurturing my relationship with God and I am most grateful for opportunities to try, try and try again. They say every tunnel, no matter how long and winding, has a light at its end and I choose to hold on to that. Selah!
