2022: Full Court Press
Year in Review
Pressure. That’s one thing I dealt with this year.
Real. Perceived. Self-imposed. Familial. Societal.
That feeling like the whole world is watching you, but you can’t see anyone looking at you. I would elaborate but I’m watching my word count.
I first thought about taking stock of the year so on a train ride to Lagos from Ibadan, where I had gone the day before to attend my youngest sibling’s graduation ceremony sometime in August. Maybe seeing him and classmates on that day made me think about being in their shoes over a decade ago.
When I was much younger, about 14 or 15, someone said I put myself under a lot of pressure and work very hard. She was encouraging her son to be like me. Lol. What that lovely woman did not know, bless her kind heart, was that this “lifestyle” was born out of fear. I used to be so afraid (still am, to be candid) of not being good enough so I would always try so hard in everything I did but I digress…not.
I was quite busy and up to a number of things this year but it mostly felt like an out-of-body experience, like I was watching someone else go through the motions, except that we had the same name and looked alike. February started with some disappointing news and it felt like all hope was lost. As if already programmed, I was under pressure to make up for lost time and “show” that I could still achieve something, anything, even if the year wasn’t off to the great start I had planned for. It did not matter that I still had the whole year ahead, I was already on auto-pilot. I crashed not long after and I think it was the best thing that happened to me this year.
For about half of the year, I was anxious and in a tussle with the pressure to feel like I was doing something important, making every minute count and not simply wasting away. Minus the high I get from being busy and productive, I did not want the world to judge me harshly. In losing hope and finding it again, however, I learnt that, “when it’s time, it’s time and until then, there’s nothing you can do to make things go faster.” This is not to say you should fold your hands and do nothing so get busy living or something.
“Wine had to be grapes first. Diamonds had to be rocks first. Butterflies had to be caterpillars first. Rainbows had to be storms first.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo.
As I write this, I am somewhat forced to think about where I was when I wrote last year’s version, and all the transitions between now and then. I was in my bedroom in a flat I shared with two other people, one of whom I rarely spoke to. It had been a tough year and I just wanted it to end. This year, I am once again in my bedroom (it’s the safest place for me) except that this one is thousands of miles away from home and my loved ones. I am tucked neatly in bed under with two covers in an attempt to ward off the cold that has defied my layers of clothes. I also talk to my flatmates here and I’ve made some new friends.
An interesting thing I did this year was collecting currencies. I had kept some from my travels and got some from my parents but I started taking it more seriously this year. I also wrote some articles about them.
The highlight of this year was certainly moving to a new country and going back to school. Being a student again after almost a decade of graduating from university is probably one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. The last time I saw such rigour was 5 years ago, when I was working and writing ICAN. Anyway, age and life have taken their toll and oh well.
Everywhere I go, I try to buy something that would serve as a reminder so naturally, I found myself wandering through the Duty Free shops while I was waiting for my next flight to my new home. I picked one magnet and one key ring and in that moment, I realised that for once, I was truly by myself. I was not thinking about taking a gift home for anyone. It was just me and in that moment, it felt great. To just be Ife — not a big sister, or a colleague, or a girlfriend, nothing at all. One would think all the pressure I had felt all year would lift at this point but no, it was only at bay for a while.
A huge part of moving to a new place is meeting new people and reaching out to make friends. This is a herculean task for me but I soon realized that I could not survive in this far away land by being in my bedroom all the time. I started trying to talk to people and going out when I had to time, just to know places and find my way around.
Whoever said such things are easy lied, but I am a big girl now and I can do hard things so here I am, not without the pressure though. Adjusting to a new life is often fraught with different challenges and you can easily feel like you have to get it together as soon as possible. The truth, however, is that these things take time.
More importantly, I was not alone this year and for that, I am extremely grateful. My people showed up and showed out, in many ways. I hope they all know they have a special place in my heart and I will do anything for them. I sincerely wonder what I would do without my girls and I like that I was able to make room for more people in my circle. People should not go through life alone.
As with many women around my age, the pressure of getting married was not far from me this year. Worse still, my relationship hit the rocks. It did not matter that the matter was beyond my control or that I was bereft, my family wasn’t having it; I had to find a way to fix it or move on because time waits for no one. It did not help that I was also facing a lull in my career and life generally around that time. I just had to get up and go, make something of my life because “how can you at this age not know what you’re doing?” Sigh.
I wrote a lot this year and read a lot too. 41 randomly selected books. Hopefully, I’ll be more structured in my reading and stick to my list next year. I also started a newsletter in October. I was anxious at first because I thought it had to be perfect; unlike Medium, I could not edit it once it had gone out. I honestly wish I did not worry so much.
I took more pictures too, many of which will never be posted anywhere. When the photos on my Unsplash profile hit 500K views last month, I had 30 pictures and I set a small goal to have 50 pictures by the end of the year. I knew the chances of achieving that were rather slim (because taking pictures requires going out, which is not my strong suit) but I suprisingly did not feel any pressure. Yay, me! I tried anyway and added 10 more.
Something I said I would do this year was to give myself grace. While I felt it was almost impossible to do that sometimes, I’m happy with the times I did. I am looking forward to the new year with renewed hope. I am excited about what lies ahead and whether or not I know what that is feels immaterial right now. I turn 30 in March and I am more aware of what getting older feels like these days. I wonder which one would give out first between my back and my knees. Jesu, shannu.
I spent Christmas away from my family this year, for the first time ever and my takeaway from that is to come up with better traditions than eating and watching movies all day. I didn’t get myself a gift so I just attempted to finish my holiday knitting project that weekend.
2022 felt like being in the ocean; it saw me at both high and low points but here we are at the end of the year. Today, my prayer for the new year is that there is ease in every area; that in 2023, there will be no struggles or pain of any kind. I hope the coming year makes us smile more times than we can count and like I prayed for 2021, I hope we all get a cup of kindness in 2023. Maybe it’s the year I finally meet my long-time crush, Burna. It has been 5 years of bonding with his music.
Alexa, play It’s Plenty
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